All right, we’ve promised to let you guys in on the secret to having affairs without getting caught. There are a few things you’re going to need to keep in mind, and absolutely all of them are easy to say, and complicated to actually pull of in the long run.
The problem is, your wife probably isn’t stupid. If she were, you probably wouldn’t have married her in the first place.
You’ve probably heard about your buddies who’ve messed around getting caught, or at least seen someone on TV mess up that way. We’re starting to think that Hollywood is trying to freak out guys that want a little extra on the side, because of some of the stuff they have the wives of cheating husbands say all the time. For example, “I just knew something wasn’t right. It’s a woman’s intuition.”
Unless you married a witch a la Samantha from Bewitched, ti’s probably a lot less about a “woman’s intuition” and a lot more about you doing something wrong and obvious.
“Women’s intuition” doesn’t really exist. Just act normal.
When women say that they knew something was wrong, they usually follow it with specifics. See if you recognize any of these examples from the wives of guys you know, taken from forums of women who suspected their husbands were being unfaithful to them.
- “I just knew something was wrong. He was always working late, and came home smelling like another woman’s perfume.”
Gee, this woman knew something was wrong? Sign her up for MENSA.
- “Call it a woman’s intuition, but I just had a feeling he was cheating on me. He always seemed nervous whenever the phone rang, and he used to lock himself in the computer room for hours before going out. He never said where he was going, just ‘Out.’ That’s when I started to suspect something.”
Well, of COURSE she started to suspect something. The fastest way to trip a woman’s “intuition,” also known as a woman’s “normal human brain,” is to act like something is different or wrong. How about this example:
- “All of a sudden, I started feeling like things weren’t right. I’m not sure when….I guess it was because he was acting like he was hiding something, you know? Like he was always afraid I’d catch him at something. It made me feel weird, like he wasn’t being truthful with me.”
You married this woman. You know firsthand how smart or not-smart she is, so plan accordingly. Even the dumbest woman in the world has the ability to notice changes in your behavior if she’s lived with you for long enough, so don’t assume that your wife is that woman.
Here’s our last example, which is important, because it ties into our next recommendation for not getting caught:
- “Maybe it was my intuition that helped me realize something was wrong. He was acting strange, and there were all these charges on the credit card that he couldn’t really explain, stuff like flowers, theater tickets…even jewelry. I thought they were surprises for me, but the presents never showed up. I feel stupid now for not realizing he was cheating sooner!”
Rule Number Two of learning how to have an affair without getting caught: have the cash on hand.
You might not think that dating while still married will eat much of a hole into your budget. However, this is the kind of sloppy thinking that gets a lot of guys caught in the act!
Ditch the plastic.
While it might make you feel very suave to flash cards with large limits while you’re taking a new lady out for a night on the town, don’t forget that a cash withdrawal at the bank looks a hell of a lot less suspicious to anyone going over the budget than a purchase at a swanky restaurant does. There are dozens of explanations for a cash withdrawal, but very few for an evening at Chez Romantique.
Another good thing about using cash instead of plastic is that it makes you actually look a hell of a lot cooler than plastic does. After all, it’s hard to work a $20 into a handshake to get yourself a better table when all you have in hand is Visa.
A lot of guys skip this step, because they have no idea how much dates are going to cost. Let’s be honest, for a lot of us, it’s been kind of a long time (longer than we’d prefer to say, anyway) since we were dating. When you first take a woman out to dinner, you’re not going out with your wife-you’re not going to skip the drinks, and you’re not going to share an entre because you know that’s what you’ll be doing anyway.
Women like to feel pampered on the first few dates.
With that in mind, make sure you’re equipped to do that without resorting to credit cards, debit cards, or any account that your wife has access to. If she can easily see exactly what you’re spending money on, well, let’s just say you won’t be admitted to the CIA any time soon.
The most important thing is that you act normally around your wife. If you withdrawing money from the account isn’t usual, think of a reason (maybe joining a certain pool at work?). She probably won’t ask, but you should have a reason ready if she does.
Another thing to keep in mind is that the Internet is a GREAT tool for meeting ladies who like hooking up with married men. However, this can be a double-edged sword.
If your wife isn’t a cavewoman, she knows how to use a computer.
Assuming you won’t get caught on the Internet is childishly stupid, and can get you caught instantly. Even if she isn’t snooping, there are many ways she could accidentally find you out if she’s on a family computer, or if you two frequently use the same computer. After all, if she types “A” into the search bar and “AffairFinderForMen” is the first suggestion, she might have just a few questions for you.
Clear your browser cache.
This is one of the biggest, most obvious, and yet most easily-forgotten steps to not getting caught. It’s so easy to clear your browser cache, also known as your Internet history, and it can save you a hell of a lot of trouble and pain in the long run.
Just make it part of your daily routine to clear out your cache-or, if you’re worried you’ll forget, just set your browser cache to automatically clean itself every time you quit your browser, and make sure you quit it every time you’re through with the computer. It’s a better, more responsible way of browsing for when you’re cruising the Internet for dates, and it’s a better, more responsible way of browsing overall-it helps keep identity thieves from hacking your accounts!
Lastly, make sure you don’t bookmark any infidelity websites-and make sure that on the ones you do use, you don’t have saved usernames or passwords. Nothing would be a bigger red flag for your wife than happening on to an affairs dating site and finding a name and password already put in, waiting for you to sign in.
Be smart, be safe, and ACT NORMALLY, and your wife will never suspect!